what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
