Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
