Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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