when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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