one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
