sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
