i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
