Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You made out with two different species that night
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
