billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
