i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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