I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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