He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
