Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
