Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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