Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
