her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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