Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
