I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
