sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize