Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Actions speak louder than pants.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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