I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
