you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
