i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
