Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
