then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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