you guys were way drunker than both of me
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
