come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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