ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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