I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
