Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Is that strawberry winking at me??
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
