The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize