tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
