I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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