FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize