guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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