only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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