just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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