if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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