Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
