I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
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