I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
