Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
