The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
