I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
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