I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize