I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
