it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
