What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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