I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
