nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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