she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
