Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
