His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize