I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
