The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
