You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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