I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
