tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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