Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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